i know my mum is very upset with me about my decision. its clear after knowing that she told big brother that she's disappointed in me. hmm.. i can see it through the cold shoulder she's giving me. but she got it all wrong. the one i'm holding grudges against is dad, not her. and she thought it was her that im having grudges against. and it is dad that i've never regarded as a father. why? because unlike other babies who get their father to read prayers when they're given birth, i don't. where was he? among the three of us, only i don't get that. and amongst the three of us, i didn't get to sleep with him when i was younger. then two months after his release, he start to hit us already. what is this? who gets that? and when i was at darul ma'wa, he didn't allow mum to come and visit me. what is he trying to prove?! that is the reason why im all grudges against him. i don't have any grudges against mum. i know she conceived me for the 9months and battled with her life to give life to me. and she was there through out my happy and sad times. but she just doesn't know the real truth.i really hope she finds this out soon. i really missed the her i used to know. been crying every night before sleep because of this.
ohh god, please help me in soothing her heart. and get her to know this misunderstanding. ;'(
Tuesday, April 20, 2010
Tuesday, March 16, 2010
one week.
enough of fighting. since we parted till we meet again, there never was peace between us. fights, fights and more fights. worst i've ever been through. seriously, since we parted, things were never fine. like i said in the last post, i wanted so much to meet hubby. had told him earlier on but we didn't manage to meet. i waited till 2145hrs. and i actually lied to him about being at marine parade. i sure did miss him and had a hard time sleeping that night and the rest of the nights. from the moment i placed my feet at paya lebar, i teared. as i talked to gf een and him as well. but nothing occurred to him. talked to him otp. then texted him all the rest of the while. unwillingly, for sure. had told afad to help me out with looking after him then. only way of sleeping was to hug my nike sweater that had the smell of him for the next 5days. in all of the 5days, nothing was right. arguments after arguments. from confessions to saying sorry. harsh words came out from my mouth. like seriously, it hurt me to hurt him. i couldn't believe that it was actually me saying all those to him. i thought it was some spirits possessed in my body. seriously, things almost come to an end that night. but after chat with afad who comforted me and said he would talk to hubby, i calmed down. helping taufiq to finish up his drawing and listening to songs at the same time really helped. the thought of baby. and he said sorry yesterday. i really hoped he meant his sorry. and try his best to not do it again. try to quit at the same time. i love him too much and im not ready to lose him to anything. he fetched me from home. our initial plan was to just get and mc for him and spend the rest of the day together, just the two of us. but he came with afad. after which we went to fetch dayah. lucky thing our place is not that far. still in the same estate, Bedok. off to Ang Mo Kio for brunch. both hubby and me had chicken rice. i didn't manage to finish mine up and so hubby finished it up for me. then we went to city square for desert at swensen's, afad's treat. had great fun and laughter. hubby's first time eating at a place like that. heeh. abey nak gatal dgn pmpn philippines. in front of me pulak tuu. hahah! he's always like that, im kinda used to it already. after desert, walked around then went to mustafa to check out the price for dayah's itouch. no plans after that so dayah decided on karaoke-ing at grandlink. FUN FUN FUN! got to sing tabah, cinta ini membunuhku, duet with hubby to jangan pisahkan and dua insan. then hubby sent me home. enough for the day. exhausted!
dearest hubby, remember that i love you so much and that im not willing to live without you or lose you to anything or anyone. I LOVE YOU.
dearest hubby, remember that i love you so much and that im not willing to live without you or lose you to anything or anyone. I LOVE YOU.
Tuesday, March 9, 2010
4 days.
Saturday; 6th March 2010 - Tuesday; 9th March 2010.
woke up early to make it all seem real. though it disrupting my sleep. but by all means. lepaked at eunos ALONE until i know what to do. which is karaoke with iqah cat at 3pm. settled ez-link card problem first then off to bedok. wasted time at bedok library, finishing up my movie, '27 dresses'. hubby called to ask me to meet him at 7pm at paya lebar. then off to meet iqah cat at inter. then off to grandlink. catched up a lot with her. i knew i disappointed her. well, i was equally disappointed with myself too. haiss.. karaoked for an hour. ended at 5pm. then followed iqah cat to changi airport to meet her friends. then all four of us boarded the train where i went to paya lebar and them to bugis, i guess. my keychain broke. :( met hubby. slept in the van otw to woodlands checkpoint to fetch dayah. after which we went makan at sembawang. then to afad's place. hubby complained of ulcer at his lips. and sprained wrist hence thats why he took off the bracelet i bought for him. :( whats all this showing man? whats the meaning behind all off this? after changing, the six of us, dayah and afad, baby and din, hubby and myself, "movie-marathoned". first to sleep, baby. then dayah. then afad taking turns with din. hubby and i were the last man standing. :DDD we watched "My Name Is Khan" sad story but a bit too draggy. the movie ended at arnd 2.45am. when all went to sleep, me and hubby didnt. we stayed up. he played games on lappy and i watched movie. then dah mendak sgt the movie, i joined hubby to the games. hehh. we challenged. sape kalah kene kiss. hah!
first night.
played games all the way till morning. showered and continued playing games. hubby was supposed to shower after me. but he pulled me to join him in the games. then after he lost, he showered. we planned to get breakfast for them. drove to macs to get breakfast. plus afad's nasi lemak. after breakfast, helped him with washing of the van. from 11+am up to almost 2pm. tu pon psl afad dah call ckp nak gi sentosa kul 2pm. so we quickly got back to afad's place and showered. then left for sentosa. detoured to fetch afad's mak at woodlands. then off to sentosa. skyride and luge x3 rides = $20!!! believe it or not?!?
Sentosa; Skyride.
after everything, the boys went playing soccer at the beach. it was so beautiful until hubby drank vodka in front of me. i told him earlier that i didn't like it. well, at least not in front of me. so i was in no mood. watched the beautiful sunset whilst trying to calm myself down.
beautiful sunset.
so much fun had to be spoiled with just a simple action. after last luge and skyride ride, we all went to KTM for dinner. hubby noticed the change of mood in me. i just reasoned it out by saying that im sleepy. but he knew it wasn't the truth. he read my sent items to ayda. it read 'can i be mad at my bf for drinking in front of me? when i already told him that i didn't like it.' and so we didn't talk. zero communication. both of us didn't have dinner. and they were all like, why?!? then i was like, tk lapar uhh. ngantok je. so after which, we went to cash studio at ming arcade. karaoked till 1am. we were not in good terms so we didn't sing much. we dueted on nana and achik's memori berkasih. :D and i sang another song; azharina's elegi sepi. then we went off. baby and din went their own way. afad sent dayah then kemek and he went home leaving hubby to drive me home. as soon as i got into the van, i laid my head on the pillow, lala-land cam greeting me. and i was awaken when hubby asked me to sit in front. then i continued sleeping on his lap. he didn't really send me to een's place that night. i didn't know of anyway to get hold of her. both our hp battery were dead. so we just slept in the van till morning came. romance in between. then he sent me to een's place. and i slept like pig until 1pm!!! woke up, lunch and then back to sleep!!! had dinner date with kak eiyra, kak fatt, dyanah and kak noi. but then i was too tired. AND MY EZLINK CARD WAS WITH HUBBY! how am i supposed to go over? in the end i used my transport money and cabbed down. dinner was superb! after dinner with them, i bussed down to paya lebar to meet hubby. he told me to meet him there and he slept! URGH!!! and so we spent another night together in the van at the same carpark, same lot. i was sleeping until suddenly, i couldn't sleep. told huby of it, but all he did was continue sleeping. it okayy. he's probably too tired. and he had to work again the nest day, which is today. and we woke up at 730am. he was like, OHH SHIT! then drove me to yishun mrt and dropped me there. i can't help but cry on my way to bedok in bus 854. i just can't imagine how im going to go to sleep in days to come without hubby by me. after all the three nights sleeping with him. listening to his heart beating. listening to him breath. his warm arms hugging me. watch him sleep. sweat as he sleep. wiped his sweat and all. im not prepared for tonight. i'd give my all to have just one more night with him. ;(
i do.
my ♥.
swear i never want this moment to end.
woke up early to make it all seem real. though it disrupting my sleep. but by all means. lepaked at eunos ALONE until i know what to do. which is karaoke with iqah cat at 3pm. settled ez-link card problem first then off to bedok. wasted time at bedok library, finishing up my movie, '27 dresses'. hubby called to ask me to meet him at 7pm at paya lebar. then off to meet iqah cat at inter. then off to grandlink. catched up a lot with her. i knew i disappointed her. well, i was equally disappointed with myself too. haiss.. karaoked for an hour. ended at 5pm. then followed iqah cat to changi airport to meet her friends. then all four of us boarded the train where i went to paya lebar and them to bugis, i guess. my keychain broke. :( met hubby. slept in the van otw to woodlands checkpoint to fetch dayah. after which we went makan at sembawang. then to afad's place. hubby complained of ulcer at his lips. and sprained wrist hence thats why he took off the bracelet i bought for him. :( whats all this showing man? whats the meaning behind all off this? after changing, the six of us, dayah and afad, baby and din, hubby and myself, "movie-marathoned". first to sleep, baby. then dayah. then afad taking turns with din. hubby and i were the last man standing. :DDD we watched "My Name Is Khan" sad story but a bit too draggy. the movie ended at arnd 2.45am. when all went to sleep, me and hubby didnt. we stayed up. he played games on lappy and i watched movie. then dah mendak sgt the movie, i joined hubby to the games. hehh. we challenged. sape kalah kene kiss. hah!
first night.
played games all the way till morning. showered and continued playing games. hubby was supposed to shower after me. but he pulled me to join him in the games. then after he lost, he showered. we planned to get breakfast for them. drove to macs to get breakfast. plus afad's nasi lemak. after breakfast, helped him with washing of the van. from 11+am up to almost 2pm. tu pon psl afad dah call ckp nak gi sentosa kul 2pm. so we quickly got back to afad's place and showered. then left for sentosa. detoured to fetch afad's mak at woodlands. then off to sentosa. skyride and luge x3 rides = $20!!! believe it or not?!?
Sentosa; Skyride.
after everything, the boys went playing soccer at the beach. it was so beautiful until hubby drank vodka in front of me. i told him earlier that i didn't like it. well, at least not in front of me. so i was in no mood. watched the beautiful sunset whilst trying to calm myself down.
beautiful sunset.
so much fun had to be spoiled with just a simple action. after last luge and skyride ride, we all went to KTM for dinner. hubby noticed the change of mood in me. i just reasoned it out by saying that im sleepy. but he knew it wasn't the truth. he read my sent items to ayda. it read 'can i be mad at my bf for drinking in front of me? when i already told him that i didn't like it.' and so we didn't talk. zero communication. both of us didn't have dinner. and they were all like, why?!? then i was like, tk lapar uhh. ngantok je. so after which, we went to cash studio at ming arcade. karaoked till 1am. we were not in good terms so we didn't sing much. we dueted on nana and achik's memori berkasih. :D and i sang another song; azharina's elegi sepi. then we went off. baby and din went their own way. afad sent dayah then kemek and he went home leaving hubby to drive me home. as soon as i got into the van, i laid my head on the pillow, lala-land cam greeting me. and i was awaken when hubby asked me to sit in front. then i continued sleeping on his lap. he didn't really send me to een's place that night. i didn't know of anyway to get hold of her. both our hp battery were dead. so we just slept in the van till morning came. romance in between. then he sent me to een's place. and i slept like pig until 1pm!!! woke up, lunch and then back to sleep!!! had dinner date with kak eiyra, kak fatt, dyanah and kak noi. but then i was too tired. AND MY EZLINK CARD WAS WITH HUBBY! how am i supposed to go over? in the end i used my transport money and cabbed down. dinner was superb! after dinner with them, i bussed down to paya lebar to meet hubby. he told me to meet him there and he slept! URGH!!! and so we spent another night together in the van at the same carpark, same lot. i was sleeping until suddenly, i couldn't sleep. told huby of it, but all he did was continue sleeping. it okayy. he's probably too tired. and he had to work again the nest day, which is today. and we woke up at 730am. he was like, OHH SHIT! then drove me to yishun mrt and dropped me there. i can't help but cry on my way to bedok in bus 854. i just can't imagine how im going to go to sleep in days to come without hubby by me. after all the three nights sleeping with him. listening to his heart beating. listening to him breath. his warm arms hugging me. watch him sleep. sweat as he sleep. wiped his sweat and all. im not prepared for tonight. i'd give my all to have just one more night with him. ;(
i do.
my ♥.
swear i never want this moment to end.
Friday, March 5, 2010
first night!
woots~!! can't wait to spend the saturday night with hubby! just the two of us! :DDD *kening up-up* ^^ hehh.
dearest hubby, please know that whatever you dear wifel has told you about cancelling her plans, if she has any, just to spend the night with you came deep down from her heart. and that she loves you no matter what!
dearest hubby, please know that whatever you dear wifel has told you about cancelling her plans, if she has any, just to spend the night with you came deep down from her heart. and that she loves you no matter what!
Tuesday, March 2, 2010
what now?
so what now? after not getting to talk to baby boo for more than two days, now another problem. hais... fights after fights. really hoping that all these happenings are just another concrete stepping stone for me to further strengthen my relationship with him. i am definitely not letting these happenings cause further harm to my relationship. but for this to not to happen, i will of course need co-operation from baby boo. so far now, he hasn't want to co-operate yet. and i don't know why. maybe he isn't aware of what i'm trying to implant here.
*dear love angels of GOD,
please help me in all these.
dear God, you know that whatever that has happened to me is up to its maximum. not that i'm not being responsible, but i know i won't be able to cope it well. and i need help from you. you're the only one i can turn to and seek help from.
i realise i have been pulling myself far away from you. its not an easy feeling. being far away from you is my greatest fear. ILY.
*dear love angels of GOD,
please help me in all these.
dear God, you know that whatever that has happened to me is up to its maximum. not that i'm not being responsible, but i know i won't be able to cope it well. and i need help from you. you're the only one i can turn to and seek help from.
i realise i have been pulling myself far away from you. its not an easy feeling. being far away from you is my greatest fear. ILY.
Saturday, February 20, 2010
updates.
14th Feb '10; Sunday.
valentine's. thought i couldn't meet baby boo. he called at 4pm. all of a sudden. and then asked me out. and i was from hmmm... to WHOOOO~!!!! hee! he fetched me from void deck and we went to meet yan and yani at mustafa center. wait for them to finish eating then off to their place for a while. baby boo had something to discuss with yan. then off for romance. :DDDD and then home. mum and dad are such a nag! listened for a while then off to "sleep".
15th Feb '10; Monday.
4am in the morning, baby boo called. he just got back from serangoon with afad. and he said that the card was so sweet. ((: and he wore the bangle already. :DDDDDD he said, "patut lah u slalu tanya i pakai gelang ke tak..." and all i did was smile. :DDDD then at 7am, mum woke me up to go kubur. haiyah.. i delayed until around 8plus when abang got back then i got up and showered. swear i didn't have the mood at all. we went to first abang's, shaz's late dad's, uncle ayie's and arwah tok man's. cleaned the area then off to jurong point. everybody including fadhli was hungry. initially wanted to eat at banquet. but then closed for CNY. so off to swensens instead. fadhli insisted on eating at LJS. haiyah... this boy uhh... when eating, call from grandmama saying that grandada was having fever. so we had to go over because some people were not responsible enough to take care of their father! after hair cut for abbang, fadhli and dad, we went to grandada's place. and brought him to the hospital. got back at around 12+midnight. and called baby boo. afad asked us out to sentosa. couple's retreat. LOL! but i know i couldn't go. firstly, because parents don't allow. secondly, because grandada wasn't feeling well and i wanted to take care of him. so two days of not meeting baby boo. :(
16th Feb '10; Tuesday.
mum was still on PH. then lepaked at home. sleep, eat, sleep eat, sleep, wake up, got ready for grandada's.
17th feb '10; Wednesday.
mum and dad's 20th wedding anniversary. got back home.
18th Feb '10; Thursday.
went for check up. FUCKING DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF! hais... met baby boo. and got him all upset too. :(((((
19th Feb '10; Friday.
socio exam. nad's place to help with clean up to prepare for today's kak nadya's birthday party and maulud.
going to get ready for the party.
supposed to come early.
toodles.
dear love angels of God,
please tell baby boo how sorry i am for everything. be it my fault or not. im working very hard on getting to make your dreams a reality. and please... tell him how much i love him!
valentine's. thought i couldn't meet baby boo. he called at 4pm. all of a sudden. and then asked me out. and i was from hmmm... to WHOOOO~!!!! hee! he fetched me from void deck and we went to meet yan and yani at mustafa center. wait for them to finish eating then off to their place for a while. baby boo had something to discuss with yan. then off for romance. :DDDD and then home. mum and dad are such a nag! listened for a while then off to "sleep".
15th Feb '10; Monday.
4am in the morning, baby boo called. he just got back from serangoon with afad. and he said that the card was so sweet. ((: and he wore the bangle already. :DDDDDD he said, "patut lah u slalu tanya i pakai gelang ke tak..." and all i did was smile. :DDDD then at 7am, mum woke me up to go kubur. haiyah.. i delayed until around 8plus when abang got back then i got up and showered. swear i didn't have the mood at all. we went to first abang's, shaz's late dad's, uncle ayie's and arwah tok man's. cleaned the area then off to jurong point. everybody including fadhli was hungry. initially wanted to eat at banquet. but then closed for CNY. so off to swensens instead. fadhli insisted on eating at LJS. haiyah... this boy uhh... when eating, call from grandmama saying that grandada was having fever. so we had to go over because some people were not responsible enough to take care of their father! after hair cut for abbang, fadhli and dad, we went to grandada's place. and brought him to the hospital. got back at around 12+midnight. and called baby boo. afad asked us out to sentosa. couple's retreat. LOL! but i know i couldn't go. firstly, because parents don't allow. secondly, because grandada wasn't feeling well and i wanted to take care of him. so two days of not meeting baby boo. :(
16th Feb '10; Tuesday.
mum was still on PH. then lepaked at home. sleep, eat, sleep eat, sleep, wake up, got ready for grandada's.
17th feb '10; Wednesday.
mum and dad's 20th wedding anniversary. got back home.
18th Feb '10; Thursday.
went for check up. FUCKING DISAPPOINTED WITH MYSELF! hais... met baby boo. and got him all upset too. :(((((
19th Feb '10; Friday.
socio exam. nad's place to help with clean up to prepare for today's kak nadya's birthday party and maulud.
going to get ready for the party.
supposed to come early.
toodles.
dear love angels of God,
please tell baby boo how sorry i am for everything. be it my fault or not. im working very hard on getting to make your dreams a reality. and please... tell him how much i love him!
Sunday, February 14, 2010
HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY.
happy valentine's all! a love day, more lovely spent with your loved ones. unfortunately, my hopes of spending today with baby boo were crashed. he had to work. finding extra money.
i finally told him whatever i felt about 'baby'. i have been wanting to do so for a very long time. and finally, on the eve of valentine's, i did so.
dear love angels of God, thank you for your effort in making my dreams this valentine's come true. sadly, thin didn't turn out as planned. it okay though, I THINK! despite being disappointed, i know that things happens for a reason. just keep protecting him from all harm and keep him safe. if you ever have the chance, tell him that i love him so much!
b,
I LOVE YOU.
i finally told him whatever i felt about 'baby'. i have been wanting to do so for a very long time. and finally, on the eve of valentine's, i did so.
dear love angels of God, thank you for your effort in making my dreams this valentine's come true. sadly, thin didn't turn out as planned. it okay though, I THINK! despite being disappointed, i know that things happens for a reason. just keep protecting him from all harm and keep him safe. if you ever have the chance, tell him that i love him so much!
b,
I LOVE YOU.
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